Rose Petals
by silver5
Summary: We all have to face our fears eventually, but who do you turn to for comfort? Carter faced a fear that no one expected and has one place to go, only one person to turn to for comfort. Not quite what you'd expect for a CarterLucy fic.


Title: Rose Petals  
  
Author: silver  
  
Rating: PG Angst/Romance  
  
Disclaimer: The characters of ER belong to Constant Productions, Amblin Television, and Warner Bros.  
  
Spoilers: Takes place after "Beyond Repair"  
  
Summary: We all have to face our fears eventually, but who do you turn to for comfort? Carter faced a fear that no one expected and has one place to go to, only one person to turn to for comfort.  
  
Author's Note: I know it's been awhile since "Beyond Repair" last aired, but I wrote this story around that time and never got around to posting it, until now. If you have any comments questions, or complaints, email me at guessgirl1329@aol.com . Now that you have read through this part, and waited long enough :::grins::: on with the story.  
  
SNAP! A twig cracks as a lone figure walks up the hill. The sun sets upon the horizon, casting a pinkish orange glow throughout the sky. A cool breeze blows by, causing the figure to pull its coat tighter around. It is cold out, but the sky is crystal clear.  
  
The figure reaches the top of the hill and stops. Before him are what seem to be endless rows of tombstones. He slowly walks to a row and pauses. Turning to the left, he walks straight until he reaches it. Although it was put there only a few years ago, the marble looked old. He reached out and touched the stone; it felt smooth, almost new.  
  
He kneeled down and traced the letters on the front with his fingers. It was almost like yesterday; she was alive, happy and laughing. But that one day just had to end to bring on another day that would never be forgotten. He gasped in pain and fell to the ground as the hot, searing pain shot through his back. Old scars didn't cause the pain, or the knife being thrust I into his back, not even the thought of not living another day caused it.  
  
It was the weight of guilt that brought the pain, the weight of remorse was upon his shoulders, the thought that it was all his fault. He had been told that her death wasn't his fault, he even told himself that, but never believed it.  
  
Today was a day that others wouldn't forget, at least the ones that saw 'him' again. Carter knew Abby tried to protect him from seeing Paul Sobreki, but Carter knew that this day would eventually come and pass.  
  
Carter looked up into the sky and noticed it was dark. The moon was out, and nearly full, illuminating the night. Another cool breeze passed by, chilling him to the bone. Yet the cold felt good, it was numbing, keeping him from feeling pain and remorse, keeping him from feeling anything.  
  
He set the flowers that he had been carrying down next to the stone. Roses, he thought. He wasn't sure why, but for some reason they felt like the perfect flower for this situation. Carter knew he could have brought lilies, but didn't like what they meant, death. Lilies were used at funerals. He didn't think of Lucy as dead, but more of in a better place, where she was always happy. He sighed at the thought, it wasn't true. She was dead, and he was reminded of the memories today, basically like everyday. He was falling apart again, falling into pieces. He had talked to his friends, but that didn't seem to help. He would give them a forced smile, tell them he was ok, and they would walk off leaving him, still feeling numb.  
  
Carter stood up, feeling some kind of presence, like he was being watched. He looked around but no one was in sight, only tombstones and graves. He knelt down again, the stone blocking him from the gentle rolling wind. Looking up at the grave in front of him, he closed his eyes and tried to block off the pain once more. Then knowing what he had to do, he just started talking, almost as if she was there. Somehow it felt like she was, almost like she was right next to him.  
  
"Hey Luce. I-I know I haven't been up here in a while, but I've been busy. Too busy." He paused.  
  
"Damn, you know that's a lie. I never could lie to you. The truth is, I'm afraid. Sure, you're probably thinking, 'Oh, yeah sure, the stubborn Dr. Carter is actually afraid.' But it's true, I'm afraid to realize the truth, afraid to be slapped in the face numerous times by reality." He heard leaves rustling across the ground, as the breeze passed once again.  
  
"You know what? I haven't been afraid like I am today, with the exception of Valentines Day. Yet, here I am, when I'm truly scared." He laughed to himself. "I'm sitting here in a cemetery talking to a grave." I bet you're probably wondering why I am so scared, so I'll just say it. I saw him today. I saw Paul Sobreki. He had slipped on some ice and hit his head. How ironic it was that he was brought to the hospital, even though he protested. Abby saw him and had him restrained, but Susan had them removed. Abby also tried to keep me from seeing him, but I heard him talking to his wife. I turned around and there he was, not in prison, not in a psych hospital, but right behind me in Cook County General Hospital." Carter became silent, taking deep breaths and trying to calm down.  
  
Once he calmed down some, he continued talking. " Sobreki noticed me and told me he was 'sorry' for what he did to you and to me. He said he couldn't help it, it was a disease, that it has now been treated. That's when it hit me, all of it seemed to return; the music, the blood, the pain, seeing you like that," he stopped talking as a single tear slid down his cheek and fell to the ground.  
  
"I couldn't take it, it was too much. I miss you Lucy Knight. I can't remember what you look like. Sure I have pictures of you, but that's not the same. I can't remember you. I don't remember what your hair was like, I mean it was blonde with a few light brown streaks, but I don't remember how it felt or smelled. I can't remember how your skin felt, how soft it was. I don't even remember how soft your lips were, or how sweet they tasted against mine in Exam 6."  
  
He sighed, "You're fading away, Lucy. You're laughter isn't heard throughout the hospital anymore. Every time I see a girl with blonde hair, my heart races, thinking it's you. Then they turn around, and I don't see you, I don't see your clear blue eyes, or your happy face. I don't see you smiling." A cloud covered the moon in the sky, suddenly turning the night to complete darkness.  
  
"Every night when I go to bed, I dream about you. What things used to be like, and how they could have been. But, the dreams turn to nightmares, playing over and over in my mind. Sobreki's voice screaming and pleading not to take his organs during the spinal tap, the light reflecting off the blade of the knife, the music, its pounding beat getting louder and louder, and the horror of seeing you lying on the floor covered in blood. I miss you Lucy Knight, I need you, and I need to see you smiling. I-I love you…" He stopped suddenly, realizing what he said and the truth of it. Smiling, he repeated it, " I love you Lucy Knight, I always have and always will."  
  
Carter felt better, as if a great weight had been lifted from his shoulders. The pain in his back had stopped like it was never there in the first place. The guilt and remorse was gone. He stood up and looked down at the grave once more, then turned and walked a few steps. Then stopping, he turned around towards the grave and said, "I love you, Luce. And before you know it, I'll be up there with you." A gentle breeze blew past, caressing his cheek, and he closed his eyes listening to it whisper to him. He looked back at the grave and saw the scattered rose petals that had formed four words in front of the tombstone…  
  
I LOVE YOU TOO  
  
He smiled and walked back his car, feeling like a new man and ready for the next day to come.  
  
The End  
  
  
  
Hope you enjoyed the story and please review, tell me what you think. 


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